How do you kill an idea?
I want to disappear. I want to run from my obligations and those who are obligated to me. Responsibility? I don't want it. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's happiness, or worse, their misery. I don't want to touch anyone's life. After all, who have I ever loved whom I haven't hurt? And who has loved me that hasn't hurt me? Love is pain. Wall myself off and live in isolation. I don't want anyone to worry about me... I don't want anyone to love me. I don't want the responsibility of not disappointing someone's goals for me. I want to disappear. That's why I'm doing this... we're both somewhat apathetic toward eachtoher. In fact, I'm not sure I even like him. Its easier not to be loved, not to love. Not to desire. The only thing I'm afraid of is disappointing those who expect so much of me. I fear this because it's a certainty. I dont WANT to live up to anyone's expectations... I don't want to feel guilty for failing to do things I don't want to do. I don't want to be led, but I don't have any desire to go anywhere else. So often they put me on a pedestal... You're so beautiful, so smart, so attractive, so sexy, so down to earth... Why does everyone love me? How am I deserving of this? Do I love myself? Some days. Some days I love being that beautiful smart sexy down to earth goddess that everyone wants. Some days I feel I'm an imposter, and the real me is something else entirely. I'm beginning to believe my suppositions of divinity. I'm egotistical... and I hate it. I don't know what I want to do... I dont want to do anything. I don't want to pursue knowlege, although I value it above nearly all else. But I don't believe in any absolute truth, either. In fact, I'm beginning to question the legitamacy of existance. I'm beginning to believe my idea that everything ever imagined is true. Facts are created to support ideas. For ... if there is no truth, how can there be falsehood? I think God is a sadistic fucker who changes the rules of the game just as we're beginning to understand them. Reality is all in your head... and it's different for every one of us. What's real, what's not, what exists, what doesn't, what's right, what's wrong, good, bad... Nothing is universal. I believe we are one step behind creation... Discoveries are on the heels of invention. Until we discovered, Atoms and wondered what they were made of, sub atomic particles didn't exist. Maybe we brought them into being by assuming they were there. We keep looking back to the origin of things, to the smallest of things, to First things... the problem of God exists throughout human knowelge. "Where did the world come from?" "God created it." "Where did God come from" "***Something else created it." ... "What are things made of?" "Matter." "What is matter made of?" "Atoms." "What are Atoms made of?" ... Either its an infinite chain, or it's a circle. I'm inclined to think it's a circle, and to continue digging will bring you back to the beginning. The search for knowelege is fruitless because, eventually, we exist only because we believe we do.
So... my answer? Ignore this, and go convince myself that I care? That I should try?
Maybe I'd make a better Buddhist... I certainly have no interest in pursuing ambitions. Maybe go sit under a tree in India? Starvation, disease... sounds like it'd hurt. It'd probably also be boring. I crave stimulation.
Is everything really about pain avoidance? Physical pain, emotional pain, duck, dodge... Maybe masochists are truly enlightened.